Attack of the Furby spies
by Love's to blame
Summary: When Bella first meets her neighbor Edward she thinks he's perfect but then she discovers the truth. E/B Au-Ah total crackfic


**Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns twilight and the characters. Whoever owns the rights to "the roommating show" owns this plot. I just put the two together and Kimmydonn wrote the lemon for me, so please give her some love (and check out her fics). **

"Why did I buy so much stuff?" Bella wondered as she rummaged around in her trunk, trying to find a way to bring up all the bags at once. Occasionally she would pause and look around the dark garage parking lot to see if she was still alone.

Once everything was in order and the straps of the bags were tangled around her wrists, Bella then reached up and struggled to shut her truck.

"Do you need some help?" an unfamiliar voice called out.

Bella's head spun towards the voice, her eyes were wide in fear. "No I'm okay," she yelled to the dark figure approaching her. She gripped the edge of her trunk with her fingertips and quickly brought it down. She then turned around and walked towards the elevator as swiftly as possible.

In her impatient state, she repeatedly hit the button for the elevator as though that would make it come sooner.

"You sure you don't need any help" the same voice asked.

Bella froze as the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. "No, I'm good," she said quickly. Without even turning to look at the stranger, she stared ahead, silently cursing for the elevator to hurry up.

Never before had Bella been so happy to hear the annoying 'ding' in her life. The man boarded the elevator beside her.

Time went by slowly and the crappy elevator played softly, filling the void left by the strangers' silence.

"So is this a nice neighborhood?" the guy asked and Bella turned to look at him for the first time. He was tall with odd-colored bronzed hair and stunning emerald green eyes. His pouty lips had a faint smile as she checked him out, unable to make a coherent thought.

"I just moved in a few days ago and I like the place so far but it's a lot different from my hometown," he continued.

That was all it took for Bella to snap out of her very dirty thoughts. "Forks is great. A little too wet and cold but once you get used to the weather it's a nice place. It's great."

The stranger chuckled softly. "You do realize that you said that this was a great place twice, right?'

"Did I really?" Bella asked, her cheeks turning a faint red as she blushed in embarrassment.

He nodded. "Yeah, it was cute."

And because the elevator was such an asshole, its doors opened at the moment.

Bella looked down the hallway that led to her apartment then back at her new 'friend'.

"Well it was nice meeting you."

He quickly held out his hand. "Edward," he introduced himself.

"Bella," she said as she shook his hand. After a few shakes she dropped her hand but didn't let go of his. Between them, their hands hung entwined as they stared at each other, both refusing to say good-bye.

"Would you like to hang out for awhile?" Bella asked.

Edward nodded. "Yeah. Need help with your bags?"

Instead of replying, she simply handed over half of her bags before leading him down the hall to the small apartment she shared with her childhood best friend.

The first thing the pair spotted when the door to the apartment opened was a young native American man in boxers, a white-tee and fuzzy slippers as he stood in front of the television munching on a slice of pizza.

"Jacob," Bella yelled and he slowly turned his head towards her, an eyebrow raised.

"Pants," she told him. Jacob sighed before slowly walking away, dragging his feet with every step.

"Sorry about Jacob," Bella told Edward as she threw her bags down next to the door. "He doesn't like pants…or shirts…he's doesn't really like to wear anything sort of clothing."

Edward nodded as though he was interested. "Is he your boyfriend or-"

He didn't even get to finish because Bella interrupted him by snorting. "Oh god, no. He's like my brother."

After that, the two didn't speak anymore, choosing to sit down on sit down on the couch next to each other and look around the room.

"So how did the two of you meet?" Jacob asked as he came back into the living room, now clad in pants, a plain white tee-shirt and bare feet.

"We met on the elevator just now," Edward told him.

Jacob turned to Bella and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, did you now?" he asked.

Bella nodded. "Yeah, it's a really funny story actually," she then turned to her new friend. "I'm sorry about how I was acting earlier. One of the neighbors started borrowing money from us, so I've been avoiding everyone all together."

"Was it Esme?" Edward asked.

Bella nodded.

"She owes me money too," Edward told her. "I swear, I gave her like 50 bucks and she never paid me back."

"Isn't it, like, impossible to say no to her?" Bella asked rhetorically.

"Yeah" Edward said "because she's so-"

"Old," all three of them said at once.

Bella looked between the two boys and then as if a light bulb had went off inside her head, she realized that she hadn't introduced the pair.

"Oh, Jacob, this is Edward, by the way."

Edward held out his hand and Jacob just stared at it. "I'm gay," he said then walked past the couch to the lazy boy.

Bella stared at her best friend as if to say, what the fuck? He just shrugged.

An awkward silence fell over the room and then there was a high pitched scream.

"Furby," Edward yelled pointing at the toy that set a top the TV.

"Umm, yeah," Bella said, looking at him strangely.

Edward quickly jumped up and walked over to it. "Did you know that furbies are evil?" he asked.

Jacob put a hand over his mouth to hide his amusement. "Really?" he questioned.

Edward nodded as he turned the toy around and placed his hands over its ears. "Did you know that furbies repeat everything you say and then send it to spy agencies? They're tiny robot spies that people just let into their homes unaware that if they were to talk about something like, I don't know, illegal immigrants that you know. And they have little cameras in their heads that are always recording so you have to be careful around these things. That's how sex tapes get out"

"Oookay," Jacob said slowly, obviously thinking that Edward was weird. "Well I and Bella have somewhere we have to be soon but we'll see you around alright?"

"Oh, okay," Edward said, not really paying attention because he was too busy having a stare down with the back of the toy's head. "It was nice meeting you guys." Edward waved, then slowly walked backwards, heading for the door, keeping his eye on the Furby the entire time.

Once the door closed behind Edward, Jacob began to slowly shake his head. "Bella, Bella, Bella," he whispered before sighing. "When are you going to learn to not look our neighbors in the eyes?"

"What?" she questioned and pointed to the door. "He was nice."

"So was Esme," Jacob told her. "But then she owed me thirty bucks, and yesterday I had to walk her to the hospital."

"You walked her to the hospital?" Bella repeated slowly, making sure she was hearing him correctly.

He nodded. "Yeah, that's right."

"You have a car, why didn't you just drive her?"

"Because she's old," Jacob said as though it was obvious. "I didn't want her old lady smell to penetrate my car and sink into my seats, so that the next time I drive a lady friend around they ask if it's my grandma's car."

"Well you have a station wagon, and that's kind of an old person's car."

"Becky is reliable," Jacob yelled.

Bella rolled her eyes at her friend. "You're a retard."

Unfortunately Jacob didn't a chance to insult her back because at that moment someone decided to ring their doorbell.

"I'll get it," Bella offered getting up.

"Oh no, you don't," Jacob said leaping up and tackling her.

"Let me up!" Bella ordered. "There are nice people in the world," she argued.

Jacob pushed her head down into the couch cushion. "Shut up," he whispered.

"Hello," an old lady voice called out as there was a soft knock on the door. "Are you there? It's Esme."

…

A few days later Bella and Jacob were sitting around their living room watching TV when there was a knock on the door.

"It's Edward," the person said.

Bella got up to answer the door, but before she could make it there Jacob grabbed her, threw her back on the couch, and sat in her lap. "What did I tell you?" he asked her.

"Not to talk to the neighbors," she whimpered.

"Exactly."

There was another knock. "I have beer."

"Ohhh, beer," Jacob squealed and jumped up, running for the door. "Give me, give me, give me," he said as he let Edward in, not bothering to say hello.

Edward handed Jacob a bottle from his six-pack as he entered the apartment.

"Aww," Jacob whined, "its root beer."

The other man grinned. "It's bubbly," he said as he went to sit by Bella. "So did you get rid of the creature?" he asked.

Jacob rolled his eyes "You mean the Furby? Yeah, the evil thing is still here."

His sarcasm went unnoticed as Edward looked around for the toy. "Do you know what Furby stands for?"

"A furry toy?" Jacob asked.

"No," Edward shouted quickly, "it means fight union rights by yelling. Which makes no sense because furbies make no sense. Therefore they have no purpose. Yet they're here because they're spies. Tiny robot spies." He then turned towards Bella. "May I use your restroom?"

"Yeah, sure." She pointed towards the hall. "It's right down there."

"Be right back," Edward said, getting up.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Jacob leaned towards Bella. "You need to get rid of him," he told her.

"Why me?" she asked.

"Because you brought the plague upon us."

"What do you want me to do? Tell him to go away never come back?"

Jacob nodded. "Yeah, duh!"

"No," Bella yelled. "That's mean."

"Well then run him off like you do every guy you date."

"I don't run off every guy I date," Bella argued. "I just sleep with them and then they. Never. Come. Back." she explained sadly. Suddenly she understood what Jacob was telling her to do. "I'm not going to sleep with the guy just to get him to go away."

"Why not" Jacob asked and she glared at him. "Bella I'm going crazy here," he told her. "I'm starting to believe that furbies really are evil spies. Last night I had a dream they were trying to take over the world. You got to help me, Bells; you're my only hope."

"Fine, fine, fine," Bella yelled. "I'll do it".

"Thanks, Bells," Jacob grinned. "If I was mildly attracted to you, I might kiss you"

"Umm. Thanks. I guess," Bella said slowly, unsure if he was insulting or complimenting her.

"Did you guys know why furbies were made?" Edward asked as he came back into the living room.

"To spy on us?" Bella asked.

"Yep, and they have an ulterior motive that no one knows about but if you just-"

"Umm, Edward?" Bella questioned, interrupting him.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think tickle me Elmo's are spies too?" she asked. "Because I swear mine freaks me the fuck out and I know it's not because I'm paranoid."

Edward shrugged. "I don't know, I'll have to look one over."

"Well there's one in my bedroom, if you want I could show it to you" Bella offered.

Edward nodded. "Okay sure."

Bella led Edward to her room and then cowered behind him pointing to the red toy on the shelf. "There it is." She pointed.

He walked out and pulled the toy down. He shook it and it started giggling at him.

"That tickles."

Edward's nose wrinkled and he nearly dropped the plush form. He turned it over, opening the battery case and removing the double As. He turned the toy over again.

"It seems normal. Just a toy."

"You're sure?" Bella asked, slipping arms around Edward's waist.

He smiled over his shoulder at her. "Yep, no spying." He put Elmo back on the shelf. "Was that really why you asked me in here?"

"Busted," she admitted. She grabbed his shirt at his waist and pulled.

"Ow!"

"Oh! Sorry! Not rough, got it."

Edward laughed. "You just got hair." He turned and cupped Bella's face in his hands, putting his lips to hers. "Let me take your shirt off instead." He began working his way down her buttons while she pulled the back of his shirt out without incident. She even worked it up his back to his shoulders. He chuckled and ducked out of it, letting her top fall open.

Bella tried to jump and hook her legs over Edward's hips, but instead drove her head into his nose. He cursed, putting both hands to his face, eyes watering. "All right," his words muffled by his hands. He dropped his hold on his nose, scooping up the fluttering Bella, trying to see what damage she had done. He dropped her on the bed. "Don't move," he ordered.

She giggled and let him pull her pants off as well as his own.

"You are dangerous," he said lying next to her. "I think you broke my nose. How's it look?" He turned his head so she could examine his profile.

"Not broken. Beautiful." She ran one finger down his nose. He leaned down to kiss her. Bella held her breath and then let it all out when he opened his mouth on hers. He broke the kiss to cough once. Licked his lips with a chuckle and put his lips to her ear instead. His hand found her breast and massaged it through the bra she still wore.

"That's good, Edward," she murmured. She reached for him through his boxers. Grasping, her nails scraped on him and he whimpered into her ear. He moved his hand down into her panties, at the same time moving his hips to press his cock against her, hoping to keep her hands away.

"You're so hard," she murmured.

Edward sighed with relief upon finding her wet. He moved his fingers over her for a minute before kissing his way down her belly and pulling the panties off. He stood long enough for his boxers to join them on the floor.

"Do you have..." he started to ask, not thinking to come prepared for this eventuality.

"Yeah, top drawer," she answered, nodding.

He pulled out a green wrapped condom and opened it. It smelled of mint. Well, as long as it was in one piece.

Bella jumped up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. "I'll do it."

Edward bit his tongue and handed her the latex. She needed two more to get it on right and by then Edward wasn't standing as tall. "I'm sorry. I don't do this often," she apologized as she finally unrolled the sheath over him.

"That's fair," he murmured, moving back to the bed.

"Here, lie down," Bella offered, rolling him onto his back. She unclasped her bra and straddled him. She put her lips to his neck now.

"Mmmm," he murmured, thankful Bella had found something to do that didn't injure him. He felt her hot ass moving over him and put his hands down to stroke and cup it. Her nipples were dragging over his chest, blazing. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Sex was like pizza, right? Even bad it was still pretty good.

Not so much. Bella twice moved to sit only to bend his stiff member painfully. When she finally did manage to slip him inside her, she immediately sat back, causing it to snap again as it fell out again.

Edward lost it. He grabbed her by the shoulders and flipped her back on the bed; lining up he drove into her, deep. He groaned, but was so glad to finally have a moment that his pecker wasn't being bent, squished, scraped or tugged.

Bella closed her eyes and sighed, "Yes."

Edward pulled up one of Bella's legs, hooking it on his arm, and starting pumping in and out of her, denying her any opportunity to try to take back control of the situation. He was sure he wouldn't recover if that happened. This angle let him see the shelf though.

"Is Elmo watching us?" he asked. "You don't have any furbies in this room, do you?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "No, Edward. No furbies. And this isn't anything Elmo hasn't seen before." She realized what she'd said "At least, not in a while."

"Good." Edward's focus returned to the task at hand.

Bella squeezed her kegals, trying to give the impression of climax. "Yes, Edward, so good."

Edward was pumping faster, he wanted this over with. "Yes, Bella. Good," he murmured. This was going to be the most hard won orgasm of his life.

…

Two hours later Bella lay next to Edward in her bed with a goofy smile on her face.

"So next time you should stay for breakfast," she told him.

"Umm, okay," he replied.

"Oh, and I was thinking, what should our song be? At first I was thinking something ultra romantic like Sara Barielles, but she doesn't have any love songs that I love, you know? So then I was like, what about Justin Bieber, but he's too young to understand the maturity of our relationship, so maybe lady gaga. She doesn't really have any romantic songs either, but we could make them romantic. But wait, there are the smiths. How do you feel about the smiths?"

"Umm, I've never really heard their music."

"O. M. G!" Bella exclaimed."You've never heard the smiths?" she asked. "I love the smiths"

"Okay"

"_To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die," _she sang.

"That sounds nice," Edward told her.

"Okay then there's our song. Now we just have to pick out our children's names."

"Children?" Edward asked.

Bella nodded. "Yeah, and we have to pick out a church"

"Are. You. Pregnant, already?" he asked confused.

"No I'm not preggars, but I'm gonna be" Bella rolled over on her stomach and rested her head on his chest. _"I want to have your babies, get serious like crazy,_" she sang the Natasha Bedingfield song.

"Oh, ok." Edward lightly pushed her off of him and got out of bed. "Well this was nice," he held out his hand and Bella took it.

"It was nice having you inside of me," she told him.

…

Jacob watched as Edward ran out the door without bothering to say goodbye. Then a few minutes later Bella walked into the living room wearing just a robe.

"Good job," he said as he began applauding her.

"Thank you," Bella said, taking a bow.

"You have an amazing gift for awkward sex," Jacob said as his friend sat down next to him. "So, while you were getting rid of the weirdo, I was making a list of the people I'd rather not see ever again," he pulled out a long lost of names.

Bella took it from him and looked it over. "I can't do this whole list. My body has limits. I can maybe do, like, one-third of it."

"Okay." Jacob took back his list. "We'll narrow it down. Mike Newton?"

"Hell, no."

Jacob crossed off the name. "Tyler Crowley?"

"Yeah, sure."

"My dad?"

"Fuck, yeah."

"Okay," Jacob put a star next to his father's name. "Do you think you can have this done by the time I come back?"

"Where are you going?" Bella asked.

Jacob grinned. "Cancun."

"Why go to Mexico to not get laid?" Bella questioned. "You do that here."

Jacob frowned "that's so fucked up"

**Links are on my profile.**


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